ID Guide: What is a Dominant
by Hansa Bosbach
Dominance, it's sexy right? The power… the control… pleasure and pain… restriction and surrender. Yes… it is pretty amazing, but it goes a whole lot deeper than that. What you see from the outside when you watch a Dominant playing with a submissive is merely the tip of the iceberg. Let's delve a little deeper shall we?
The path that leads someone to become a Dominant is as varied as the Dominants themselves, but there are some things that are common across the spectrum. Something sparks an interest. It could be anything D/s related: A book, BDSM pictures, a porn video or even a D/s scene in a mainstream movie… but whatever it is, it whets the appetite.
Next comes the part that separates the real Dominant from those that simply have a few kinks.
There is no "right" way to be a Dominant but there are some things that all good Dominants have in common.
The Dominant “to be” begins to learn. Usually the first thing they turn to is books and the Internet; the best knowledge can be gained from others in the community, both Dominants and submissives. Good Dominants are always trying to be worthy of the submission of another, a lot of that comes down to always wanting to learn more. There is a virtually endless amount of knowledge that can be used in a D/s dynamic.
When so much power and control of another person lies in your hands, there must be trust that the receiver will not be harmed beyond consenting boundaries. To gain that trust a Dominant must first and foremost be ethical in their approach to BDSM.
It takes time to build the depth of trust necessary for someone to truly give themselves to you. Dominants learn to take all the time that is required.
Respect for your submissive is paramount. You should also have respect for other Dominants, other submissives, those that know more than you and those that know less than you, respect for those that have different kinks than your own. Being a Dominant does not give you a right to be an asshole, it’s exactly the opposite.
Be confident in what you know and who you are. But also don't be afraid to be wrong, we all make mistakes… get bad information... etc. Own your mistakes, learn from them, fix them, and move on.
Embarrassing as some may find it to talk about their kinks and desires it is absolutely essential. Not only to find a partner whose desires and kinks match your own but also to establish the bond and trust for your submissive to be able to say anything without being challenged or punished.
The bond between a Dominant and submissive can be physically, emotionally, and mentally intense, with that intensity comes a host of possible emotional and physical injuries. A submissive should NEVER feel they can't tell their partner when they are feeling down or in need of attention. D/s dynamics do not operate in some alternate erotic fantasy universe; it is a very real relationship and real people are living within it, they come with all the issues normal vanilla life brings. The difference is the openness with which these issues can be addressed.
What kind of person becomes a Dominant?
The answer is pretty simple, one who derives pleasure and satisfaction though controlling a consenting partner.
It can literally be anyone… from the guy in the cardigan next door, to the shy librarian. Some Dominants will not show that side of themselves to anyone that does not show a desire and give consent to see it, I place myself in this category. Some will go about their everyday life seeking control in everything they do. Most are somewhere in the middle.
Being a Dominant is not always about sex and kink ether, at the core it's about control. You are no less of a Dominant having a sub that will fix you a drink on command and then do the dishes, than when they have flogger marks on their thighs and you are fucking them in the ass. Both Dominants and submissives are before anything else… people. Their interests, kinks, needs, and desires will all be unique and different. This is why no two dynamics are ever the same.
And that's part of the fun!
A good Dominant knows their partner inside and out, and I'm not talking about knowing how big a toy you can safely shove in them (although that's good too), I'm talking about their physical and mental condition; knowing the limits of their mind, their emotions as much as or more than their body. What drives them? What do they desire? What do they fear? What are their limits? Dreams? Fantasies? And sooo much more.
Being a Dominant not only forces you to understand yourself on a much deeper level, but also your partner.
The first step to controlling another is control over yourself; for that you need to know why you want and do the things you do. Not guess…. Know. Once you know you are making a choice and no longer acting blindly on a whim. THAT is control.
I will wrap things up with this. Are you a new Dominant? Or want to be one? Know what you're getting into. Anyone can give orders; your boss at work does all the time, they are (probably) not a Dominant. Being a Dominant is a huge investment of time and energy. It is fun but to get to the fun requires a lot of work.
If you want it, excellent: Do the work and be willing to learn. There are as many good Dominants out there that are happy to share what they know as there are creeps pretending to be Dominants to try and get kinky sex.
What is a Dominant?
There are a lot of ways to answer that. I can only speak for myself. I am a teacher, a lover, nurturer, kind, sadistic, controlled ethical and as kinky as an old garden hose.
I look forward to seeing how others define themselves.