ID Guide: The Life of a Dominant
by Hansa Bosbach
The life of a Dominant is much like the life of any other. We work, we eat, we sleep, we play. The difference is in the freedom to be ourselves. We all have desires we keep hidden from the world. Things you wouldn't dare tell your family or your boss. For me at least beyond the kink and control being a Dominant means freedom. The freedom to talk to my submissive about anything… And yes I mean anything, without any fear of judgment or shame, the freedom to act on my desires with a willing (and often enthusiastic) partner.
It's truly amazing how good it feels not to have to hide any part of yourself. To have someone who is devoted to seeing you happy, not in spite of what you enjoy but, because of it. To have someone who squirms in anticipation when you tell them the sadistic kinky things you want to do with them. Yes… this is what makes a Dom different.
But what is it like to live like that? That depends a lot on the dynamic that you have with your submissive. It can be anything from 24/7 complete submission to a bedroom submission that happens only behind closed doors. Like many things in D/s relationships most of the time it falls somewhere in between.
Here is an example of what a functional and ethical dynamic may look like.
The Dom and Sub have talked and established where their limits and interests lay. The Sub has given consent to be dominated in any way that does not violate those limits and they have taken whatever time was needed to learn each other and what they both enjoy.
First… remember that not everything you do with your submissive or dominant needs to be BDSM or kink related; there are plenty of seemingly mundane activities that you will both enjoy. The difference is how you approach them: Watching TV or a movie - The Dom may have the submissive kneel beside him, hold his drink, be used as a footrest… ect. Going to dinner - maybe the sub is not allowed to talk to anyone but their Dom and any time the sub needs to talk to someone, they must whisper what they want to say in the ear of the Dom who then may repeat it to the person to be spoken to or say something completely different. Maybe the Dom will have the sub wear a blindfold at the table and be fed her meal by the Dom.
Getting the picture? There are an infinite number of ways to be Dominant and reinforce the mindset that your submissive enjoys. What I am sure you're just salivating to know about is the kink. A lot of kink is specific to the limits and wants of the submissive. Remember consent is to be respected at all times.
Kink can come in many forms. I will speak for myself here as I can best talk about the kinks I have experienced. I enjoy both physical and mental kinks. I will list a few from my *cough* very long list. And give an example of how I would act on it in everyday life with a submissive.
Corsets. Having a submissive tightly bound in a corset is hot on so many levels. Shaping the body of a submissive the restriction the beautiful lines and curves, I love it.
In everyday life I may have a submissive corseted to go out shopping or for dinner or a walk; for a play session or simply because I want to look at them in a corset as we go about our day.
Anal. I am at heart an ass man. I love boobs don't get me wrong, but I love to play with my submissive's ass, whether it’s fucking her in the ass or making her wear a toy in her ass while watching a movie – it’s all delicious to me.
In everyday life I may have her wear a plug while driving (more fun with a standard transmission) or use a remote controlled vibe in her ass while we eat dinner - the possibilities are endless.
Shibari. This is one that is both physical and mental which is a big part of why I enjoy it. It takes time sometimes hours to do all the intricate loops and knots. Throughout the process the submissive becomes more and more restrained, pushing them both physically and mentally deeper into their submissive headspace.
In everyday life, I may have a sub wear a harness of rope under their clothes. Not only is it a constant physical reminder of their submission, but also a form of predicament bondage if a knotted crotch rope is used, it can also tease exhibitionist tendencies if their clothes show the lines of the rope underneath.
Edging. The look in a submissive's eyes when they are soooo pent up and needy is just sexy and beautiful all at once.
I may tease a sub throughout the day, bringing them close to orgasm then stopping short only to go on with our day. There is a ton of fun to be had with edging. It plays on ideas of need and anticipation, building toward a monumental climax.
There is far too much in the kink area to go into it all here but that should give you a general idea of what kink in everyday life could look like. I can't give away all my secrets. *grin*
Being a Dom day to day is usually a lot more of a mental practice than physical. Pushing your submissive into that mindset of devotion at unexpected times whilst constantly working on your own self-control takes effort and creativity on the part of the Dom; anything that makes the submissive feel controlled and connected to their Dom is good. A poem left on their pillow, a list of things to be done, whispered ideas of what you want to do with them, asking for something across the room and then ordering them to crawl to get it or a million other little things that are unique to your dynamic.
There is no right or wrong way to live a D/s lifestyle as long as it is ethical and desired. Find the way that you and your partner most enjoy. Above all remember… it's supposed to be fun!
If you're both enjoying your roles it only deepens the connection and desire for the other. D/s relationships don't happen overnight, it's a steep hill to climb, it takes constant attention and work; but let me tell you, the view from the top is fucking amazing.
I will leave you with this. Enjoy the little things, look for beauty in things often taken for granted and don't be afraid to be wrong - embrace and own your failures as valuable tools to learn to be better.