ID Guide: Dom Drop
by Hansa Bosbach
This is more common than most Doms would like to admit and it can be just as devastating as sub drop. Sometimes it's just a little. Sometimes it feels like the world is coming apart at the seams.
The big difference between sub drop and Dom drop is that most Dominants deal with it themselves because they don't want to burden or show weakness to their sub. If the Dom drops quite a bit and the sub is unaware of the warning signs this can be catastrophic for their dynamic.
When a Dominant drops they can experience feelings of failure, inadequacy, frustration, depression, and fear. During a drop they will often seem agitated, angry, or saddened for no apparent reason. Or far beyond how sad or frustrated would be normal depending on what caused the drop. They may lash out at those around them (aggression to cover up the feelings they don't want to have. This is not ok but it can happen.) Or they may retreat from contact or conversation. This is what happens to me when I drop. I feel exhausted, depressed, sad, afraid, and I pull inward. It takes a monumental effort of will just to talk. Communicating and understanding help a lot but getting it started when I am in that dark place, is mind numbingly difficult.
Here are some things that may cause a Dom to drop:
• Prolonged amounts of time in Domspace.
• Accidentally harming a sub in some way, which is a big one, especially for a Dom that tries hard to be ethical and genuinely cares for their submissive; to harm them, is the ultimate failure. If it happens, they are almost sure to drop.
• A very emotionally intense scene.
• Being unable for whatever reason to help their sub when the sub is in distress.
Now for the hard part… you have identified that your Dom is dropping… What do you do?
This is a difficult one because it varies so much between Doms what they need when they are dropping. The best thing to do is talk to your Dom beforehand and find out what they would like you to do if you notice them dropping.
For most there are a few things that help.
Contact, depending on your dynamic, that may mean different things, a hand on their leg, kneeling with cheek pressed against their thigh, massaging their shoulders… it can take many different forms. The important part is the affection felt through touch; showing them that you are not afraid of or angry with them.
The second is the willingness to break a rule or protocol even if it means getting punished in order to show them your devotion and to help them. If they want you to leave, don’t. If they lash out at you tell them lashing out is not ok but you will accept it from them as proof of your devotion. These are just examples, you will have to decide what is the best way to help your Dom yourself. But, when it comes to Domdrop, in that moment remember, they are not the strong confident Dom you crave and need. He or she is still in there but in that moment they are just a person: One that needs you badly.
The third is sometimes an option sometimes not. You can reach out to another Dom that understands Domdrop and ask them to talk your Dom through it. Keep in mind, you could be punished for doing this. Depending on your Dominant and how your dynamic is set up possibly severely. They could view it as a breach of trust, especially when they are in the middle of dropping and not thinking straight. Let me be clear it is not a breach of trust to seek help for them. It is a kindness when you're out of other options and you feel you need to help but in that state the Dom may feel like you are showing their weakness to someone they don’t trust be prepared for that.
Here are some things to say to a Dom that is dropping that may help.
I am ok.
I love you.
I am not hurt.
You are amazing.
I enjoyed our play.
Would you like me to clean up?
I am always here for you.
Dominants need aftercare too. We put a lot of time, effort, and thought into being good Doms, this can be exhausting. Part of the reason you serve is to lessen the other burdens that they carry so that they can be better Dominants to you.
I hope this helps someone out there. And maybe brings a little more understanding on the subject. Domdrop is real and it's a real bitch but helping a Dom through it and showing how much you care for them, even when they are down and weak, can make the bond you share stronger than ever.
Unfortunately the reverse is also true. To not understand that it's a chemical imbalance affecting their brain when they drop and to treat them harshly because they are not acting like the kind of Dom you want can absolutely destroy trust, your dynamic, or even your whole relationship.
So take it seriously. Talk about it before it happens with your Dom. Make a plan for care. Because eventually it will happen, do not want to be caught off guard and not know what to do.